The opportunity started to come to the forfront last fall. My husband, Bill has always been my biggest cheerleader. He honestly is the most patient, loving and caring man I know. ( Don't get me wrong, he can also be stubborn, irritating and just plain a man) He is the one that opened this creative side of me. He is also the one who continues to encourage it. Evidentally I am much easier to live with when I've spent time creating and playing in my studio. I have been told this not only by Bill but my son, middle daughter and good friend Melita.
There are times that I feel like I am half - a gorgeous woman in a business suit and briefcase and the other half...well hippie, really. In school I use to tell people I saw myself in a BMW or Mercedes. Maybe a lawyer or CEO. My friends, and family for that matter, always giggled and said they saw me married with children, driving a VW bug. Today I talk about that white bug, convertable of course! One that runs. I have even pictured myself in a VW van, orange and off white. How fun would that be?
In 1995 I was diagnosed with Rhuematory Arthritis. Since then Fibromyalgia has been added. I really can't believe that was fifteen years ago. The opportunity not only involves the freedom to create but the freedom to change my life. Really, that's what I want and need to do.
It was last winter when two different friends sat me down to ask me if I was, "doing it again". They had seen me go through this cycle before. I start to take care of myself and get "better" and then I self sabbatog. I came from a background of hard work. My Dad is a wonderful giving man who grew up on a farm. They worked in the fields seven days a week, twelve to fourteen hours a day. He never missed a day of school throughout his high shcool days. His work ethic is amazing. I put my self worth in the hands of "who I was". What position I held. Whereever I worked, I always worked hard to make it to the top. So what my friends saw was me going through the cycle heading for yet another crash. And crash I was doing, fast and hard. I admit now that it frightened me. Would I make it out of this one? Would I ever feel "good" again?
I started by saying the opportunity came last fall but I have to be honest, my husband has encouraged me to take this opportunity for years. I just didn't know how. I am hoping that I am learning how now. The y opportunity to be healthy. The opportunity to like and love myself. The opportunity to walk on the beach without that deep inside guilt. I never realized it was there. If I did, I didn't want to acknowledge it. One day recently, during a mid afternoon soak in the tub, God said to me "you deserve this, yes you deserve wholeness, happiness etc". Don't get me wrong. I have lived a really good life. I have made many mistakes too.
This opportunity.....this dream.....this soon to be empty nest.....this turning 47 and wrinkles....this time of self....is a huge opportunity for me to be me. I like to be liked. I like for people to say nice things about me. I like to be loved. I have lived my life like that for so long that I don't really know who I stand for. What my true self is. Again, don't get me wrong, I am strong, have definite opinions and I am not afraid to voice them. At the same time, I am shy, will say what is best to say in that situation, want to be loved. Oh...and I am loved by many. I just don't think I have fully allowed that love in.
I have this opportunity to walk on the beach. The beach I grew up playing on, on weekends and summer vacations. The beach I brought my children to when they were young. It truly is a gift. A gift I think I will accept.
Fall is one of my favorite seasons.
A beautiful sunny day.
To the left, once there.
To the right. This is the way I walk.
Don't the rocks look like a gate. I walk down to the point.
Going back up the hill.
Yesterday on the way down it was like a chorus. The birds were singing so beautifully. On the way up it was silent besides the leaves crunching under my feet. True beauty. Such a gift.